Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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