So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
