My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
