i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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