im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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