Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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