hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just got carded by a ten year old.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
