you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
