you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
