I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
