The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
