how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and she was petting her beer can
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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