My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize