its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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