you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize