I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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