my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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