forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
