I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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