i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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