The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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