thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize