I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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