Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
