I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
