Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
