I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
