Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
