found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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