I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
