Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
