If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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