I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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