I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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