matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
