im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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