my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
