You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
