Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
