Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
