Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
