I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
