so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
