I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
