I've blown a few things in my day
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm at about main and main street
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
