Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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