I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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