I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My pussy is not your playground.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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