I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
