im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
