Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
