bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
