I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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