I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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