The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
