Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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