she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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