If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
