and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
