Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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