Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
