So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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